Home Is Where The Heart Is

There is always a home that you live in and the one that you feel like home. In this constant debacle of finding one's true home, we give up on the people who once opened the doors for you and said, "Hey! Welcome. Make yourself comfortable." 

You enter their lives like a kid lost in the food-truck fair and each step that you take further on welcomes you to the atrocity of awkwardness that prevails in the first smiles of knowing nothing and nobody. The symmetry of a being is then distorted to pieces when the asymmetry of homelessness dawns on a being. Being a vagabond, I like to say that I have a corner of home every part of my existence. But is it so? Walking with every strand of flowing hair through the wind and reminiscing how I have felt and been homeless for quite a while now. The materialisation of a home isn't the four walls with food for me. Home is the feeling of raindrops running down my eyes in the slow sounds of pitter patter when home hugs me and asks me, "How are you? Really!" 

The feeling of feeling safe in the between the ass-grabbers and insecurity builders, there is that one home that will embrace you with blank slates and will love you no matter what. To identify that one feeling is pretty deceiving in the process. Every new touch of warmth feels like this is a place to redecorate and build up as your own. You figure, that every beam of sunlight coming from that one single identity or place is worth to be in, forever. The fact is, the sun has to set. The sky will turn into the hue of crimson and grey and for once it is dark. So dark, that the home you are in seems to lose itself, withering in the flakes of the wall that is coming out. The cups in the sink are just another reminder of how you are left in the adversity of being in the feeling of homelessness and hopelessness that no such place is good enough anymore. But nevertheless, there is a sky full of stars in the darkest hours. The home swivels its finger down your spine and suddenly you have a shiver down your body of hopes and dreams. The four walls walk to you and embrace you with arms you never knew existed in the first place. They will ask you how your day was. They will ask you what is making you flinch at the thought of being here in the first place. You are then left with an unfurnished thought of null. You do not have the answer to what the pain is or to what extent is it breaking your bones, body, and brain. You just pass it away with a gentle smile of nothing.

So now, the darkness has prevailed. You have made your own black hole and you just don't seem to see stars anymore. All of a sudden, you give up hope on it too. In the constant fight of belonging you seem to belong only to yourself. It is in between the process of change to a realisation where you know where you are at with every count of breath. This is time to say goodbye to the home you were in. Home has started to push you away with the same pair of arms it embraced you with. The smell of home isn't familiar anymore and your appetite for anything remotely inside it is turning into anger and disappointment.

But the most beautiful part about losing a home is finding a mansion filled with love. You take constant loans of hope and build on to payoff for the exchange of just a mere touch of love. To each and every step, stop by and say, "Thank you, thank you for stopping by. Just leave the door open for me. Will you?"

Defying Black Hole

Sitting is a girl who I knew once.

Filled with the power of a nebula.

Pixie dust and sparkles were along with her.

Her smile felt like her savior.

Guarding her, from herself.

But as I see her now,

She sits there alone with five others.

She hears no one as she nods.

She sweats as the monsoon arrives.

She freezes as the summer approaches.

Her once sparkling eyes,
Now lie still, into the blank space.

Shining through the armour
She thought there would be someone.
Breaking through the sheets of iron and rust.
She saw through her camouflage of pixie dust.
An illusion of happily ever after.

Hoping to depend on someone hopelessly.
Who am I to blame her?
Aren't we all taught to live that way?
Aren't we taught to slay?
Slay our dreams, hopes, efforts to depend on someone?

But yet, she tried her best to get the wings.
She wanted to feel what magic her pixie dust and wings,
Together did. 
Tired and wired with what she had,
She felt ruined too easy.

This went on for a month or two.
I tried to help her 
But it wasn't something anyone could do.

When magically she appeared with wings.
Sparkling dust again encircled her.
She came out of the empty space.
She, for once, defied the falling into the black hole.
But when I saw her jump out of it.
I saw her become a star again.
The brightest, the toughest, the fittest.

My I, Wasn't WE Before!

My childish whims,
Your childish smile.
My obsession with you,
And your eyes, your deep brown eyes like the sky.
Infinite, endless, filled with dreams and hopes,
And love.

My scars, my pain, my sorrow, my name!
I forgot it all with just a touch.
A touch so deep and divine,
Which I could be eternally gratified for.

Slowly swirling, from cheeks to the neck.
Your fingers ran a spark in every second.
In me, my soul, my dreams, all ignited.
Your eyes, through the glasses,
Broke all the chains I was tied up to,
And made me someone I wanted to be.

How did you know that I was here?
How did you realise that you were all I ever wanted?
How did you finally fit into the sea of jigsaw puzzles?
How did you see through me and made me yours forever?
Where were you all this while?

I fly the flight I never flew, with you.
I swim the oceans happy, in which once I dreaded to be in.
I now will fight as I now know the light is you.
I will now fill up the holes as my heart is you.
I don't have to hunt anymore as my search is over.

I have never been in so much love before.
I haven't been felt so secure before.
I have never been loved before.
My life hasn't been magical before.
I have never been ME before!

My, I wasn't WE before!

Puff, Exhale, Rewind...

A kick in the heart,
And a puff did it all.
The smoke, as it rose higher,
I saw the smile.

The smile I dreaded the most,
The smile my heart skipped a beat at.
I didn't just see it, 
I saw the almighty place the smile in front of me.

Exhale it all!
I thought it went down with the gravity!
The pain, the smile, the big brown eyes...
Instead, stood in front of me, as my head turned round.

One.. a puff.. Two.. a puff
A puff again and it's three.
Tap it again, and there goes the ash into the drain.
As it falls, I see him fall for me all over again.

I look up to the sky,
Feel my throat twitching as it goes in,
My nose fills up with a stinging memories.
And I see him walking towards me.

A rush in the head, a swing on the feet.
As I fall, I felt his arm.
The marks of several scratches on her wrist.
Hurt no more.

In a puff,
I realised being the real me was more painful.
In a puff,
I SAW where my life had a stop.

Dear Narendra Modi- An open letter

Name: Anokhi Dasgupta

Nationality: Indian

Caste: ……. Well general!

And all this time I was taught that being an Indian was enough for me to live in this country. As long as I was a little kid, life was simpler till I knew that a specific discrimination entitles me to have a benefit or not. Not just me as an individual, but my entire family is the victim here. I have been told that I belong to a caste of Doctors. Good enough! We all must applaud to the revelation! But what has this unnecessary discrimination done for me? I started my college studying BBA. The official fee slab stated Rs.20,000 for a year. Cheap enough? Yes it was! For the very same reason I had a long procedure of aptitude tests, group discussion, personal interview, and a mock presentation. But later when I got the offer letter, I saw my fees go up to Rs.50,000 a year. Why was that if you may ask?  That is because I fall into the General category of caste? All my hard work, sincerity, dedication was shattered in this battle.  Every quota disapproved my caste and I had no privilege of anything.

A year later I went onto pursue my life long dream of being a creative writer and gave my name in for Mass Communication. I got into a pretty good college with amazing people all around. Surrounded by the hills, my college was the perfect place where I could be at. The best part, the prospectus stated, no reservation for out of Uttarakhand candidates. In my head I had a feeling, ‘Finally! No sabotage of my basic human rights!’

But later when I started my classes and made a few friends there, I had the most surprising revelation, that the general caste has to pay literally double of what the SC/STs are paying again.

Mr. Modi, with all due respect, I would like to ask you something! The reservations were introduced in the Constitution of India, because at that time, India really needed them. But now when the youth is actually not stereotyping on who is Shudra and who is Brahmin, then why are we still there? Why are we still working on something, which does not exist, to that extent anymore?  Now the mechanism that works is the reverse reservation! Why aren’t we adopting Uniform Civil Code? Am I being punished for being a completely normal and contributing Indian? Is my religion the benchmark for my skill and work? Do we still have to live in a division of minority? Are we going to die discriminated? Are we not going to get the right to burn our ashes too later or there is a reservation for that too?

Sincerely,

Oh, So, General

An Open Letter To Hrithik Roshan

Dear Hrithik Roshan,

Yesterday, I genuinely forgot that it was your birthday, but I did have a dream which had the exact red car which you drove in Kaho Na Pyaar Hain. Just the difference was that my Naani was driving the car in my dreams yesterday. I baked cake on my own yesterday. That is how much affection I have for you. Well, as I forgot to wish, a very Happy Birthday to you. This post might be published late but I am writing today!

Rather than giving you gifts, I have some complains for you. I am not the type of fan who builds temples, sticks posters, make out with the posters, worships with Agarbattis everyday. I don't even want to be one of those kind. But I am someone who respects the brilliance in you, and has been trying to follow what you do (apart from your workout regime). 

Now apart from my selfish motives, let us come to generalization. Have you ever wondered how painful it is when you just fall in love with a man when you are just 5 years old, and the next thing that you find out is that, the man got married! I have been through that pain! 

How do you feel when you know the man you adore is in the town and you just can't meet him, coz Hello! I was standing all the way behind, during the Joyalukkas Opening at Vadodara, let me tell you, I am just 5'1". It takes a lot of sweaty and obnoxious armpits to go through you! Have you ever wondered about those who do not have the enough money to buy VIP tickets? I bunked my freaking awesome tuition classes for it! I had a full amazing opportunity to meet you at a private party in Indore, but then again, you never worry about those who do not have the access! 

Moreover! You have no right! Absolutely no right to make a 5 year old girl, dream of living life with you like adults! Isn't my teenage and adulthood, a problem enough for me! I still remember telling my mother, on how desperately I could be your domestic help just to be with you! Have you ever thought that why are you so perfect? 

You are the kind of man which has been described in every mythology. You are someone I guess how Jesus, Shankar, Arjun, Krishna, Gautam Buddha, might have looked. And here there is no exaggeration! I have spent every Valentine's Day telling everyone that I enjoy being single, but the reality was that I was waiting for MY Hrithik Roshan.

But you know what! Here comes the complete base and my motive for this letter. I thought men like you do not exist! I thought I would never fall in love and I will wait for you! (Yes! I was that insane!) But I was wrong! I did not find someone like you, but guaranteed I found someone who is million times better than you, because of only one reason. And that is that he knows I Exist! He is not a dream, he is reality. And the major part of why he is better than you is, he is way more cuter, and he loves me more than anything else in the world. He is also someone who would keep me like The Queen of his own kingdom, and I am proud to be one. 

Jealous? You should be!

I am now far more contented that I cannot meet you. Because I am a fellow Journalist/ Writer in making. If I have the potentiality enough, I will meet you not by lines, but by giving you an appointment, or taking yours.

Yours not forever (coz I have my soulmate)

Anokhi Dasgupta

Heart Aches

There is this scene in Fault in Our Stars, in which the nurse asks her, "How would you rate your pain?" Hazel would always put up her eight fingers when the pain was worth the ten. This particular scene made me realize that pain does demand to be felt, but it's intensity completely depends on us. We are the one to decide whether its a 5 or a 10.

But sometimes there are not pains, but feelings, which you cannot express to any one who is close to you. The best friend who can help, or the boyfriend who stays through every rant, you cannot utter a word to them. Things just get worse. You begin to see that you have lost yourself, with these silence. These feelings that you had hidden in you for years, because you wanted to be strong. 

There comes a phase in your life, when you absolutely have no one. You are the one whose so called friends envied you. You moved to so many places that stability is now a luxury. Your upbringing has been so recluse that the hidden feeling just take a toll on you. Expressing becomes a negativity for you and you feel suffocated.

Your best friend's tears are no worthy as you cannot console. You aren't the reason behind your man's smile. You are beaming with so much that the 'Midas Touch' turns its tables, and you aren't the reason behind anybody's happiness. You learn that I Love You isn't a special phrase anymore, or it is a sedated and exclusive expression anymore. You cannot express it coz come on you cannot be orthodox on expression of emotion. You look into the mirror everyday and you do not find the motivation to love yourself. You aren't your own beautiful anymore. You are not a ray of hope anymore. 

Everybody is moving so fast in there life that nobody has seconds to spare to the people they love. No not even your parents. Because everybody has their own suffering and you are the only good listener. You look into the mirror and see yourself ageing, you do not look that bubbly girl anymore because somewhere in the crowd you have lost your spark. You have short migraine attacks almost everyday and you see your eye sockets deepening. 

Each day you see yourself getting insecure of losing things. Love, friends, and those who have a platonic connection. You are constantly fighting a battle with your insecurities of not losing him. The insecurity of not another friend trying to destroy your career. The insecurity of not being able to express enough to make people understand your pain. The insecurity of not being your best friend's friend. The insecurity of you not being heard enough. 

It is a constant battle that you fight for no gain. You do not have the source of opponent. But whosoever is, you want them to stop.

Because you just can't take this anymore. Your hands are now bleeding with the wounds of silence.

SOMEBODY PLEASE STOP!