Sometimes in My Dreams

Sometimes in my dreams
When there is a transition,
From an insomniac to slumber.
I see you, your smile, your brown eyes,
That once spoke to me while I looked deep.

Sometimes in my dreams
When I stay in between,
Restlessness and tranquility which bestows,
I see you, your heavenly blush, and eternal half smile.
That once belonged to me, while I could see them embracing me.

Sometimes in my dreams
When I am in dilemma
Between life and you,
I see you, kissing me a last goodbye.
Which once existed as a wake up call.

Sometimes in my dreams,
When I am asleep yet tears don't seem to stop,
When all my life needs is you.
I see you, lifting me and clinging me tight in your arms,
Which once were the greatest comfort I ever felt in just an illusion.
 

The Last Song

She had black marks all over her back.
She woke up another day and saw it spread over her arm.
She was devoid of her patience,
She was devoid of her charm.

As if someone was engulfing her.
In a dark place where she did not want to go.
Like a devil was compressing her throat,
To an eternal suffocation.

Where all she had was three years.
Not even sure of that life span.
A few days ago her life was on hold.
Now she thought how fast it ran.

As her bruise spread over her body,
She saw her death near,
Dying every single day slowly,
Yet hiding her pain beneath her smile.

She held her step and walked along,
She counted every seconds that were gone.
She still made her every second her last.
Moreover it was her last.

Never did she knew that saving life of someone,
Would cost her, her own life.
She would now die alone.
Due to a gruesome death.

She had dreams incomplete
Which now she didn't know where it lead.

The Song of The Shameless

Was in my veins,
Running in every ounce of blood that flowed through me.
The habit of his presence.
The aroma of his smile,
Thoughts of him became essence,
Of the clouds that had been hovering over me.

The shadows which now haunt,
The random awkwardness which now does not seem to stop.
Shameless, as they tagged me.
No self esteem as they judged me.
Unaware of what I lost.
Unaware of what I wanted,
Leaving every inhibitions, I pleaded.
I pleaded to get my blood, my beat, my warmth back.

But alas, was my fate.
"Am I mentally sane?" I wondered.
Facing a thousand, unwanted and cold gestures.
I stood standing there.
Still waiting for him be the man I had been with.
To have a deja vu.
Which I had once been in.

Now I stay already torn,
Still lying naked of self esteem and ego.
On one hand still wanting my past to have a hangover me.
While I know now I have to let it go.

An extract from a Novel I am working on :D

There are times in life, when not just you give up, but also gives up your self respect, the adrenaline rush you had, the madness you had for someone, the vision you saw the world with, the feeling which you once felt.

So did she. She was now devoid of all the feelings she once had. She now felt nothing. It's like life had an impromptu joke on her. All she had a feeling of laughing at her own self. "Shut up! People do go through this everytime. You are not the only one, you Idiot!" she said to herself.

She decided to head forward after gallons of tears which she finally stopped. She went aloof of all the things which could remind her of him. Facebook, Whatsapp, Twitter, and any other social network. She did not listen to any songs, because all she could hear, see, comprehend, pretend was him. A man she loved the most, the man for whom she could leave everything and be with.

True, how long could living miles away match up when every thing went awry. How could one person not see her anytime and still be madly in love. She thought practically still believing that, "Yes, I can live with the memories forever, and also to the fact that he still loves me."

So she got up, thought that she would go and catch up a movie, coz at some point this all has to stop.
She went in but all she saw was that every second and milisecond of the movie, shouted her story. her present, her past. She was numb. She didn't speak a word. Soon when it got over, she stood up, thinking that nothing happened to her. But, I saw. I saw her fall. Fall in the very first step and falling five stairs away. All I saw blood gushing out of her head, but she was non-reactive. All she had was a blank face. While others were making fun of her total opposite reaction, I thought that she must be taken to the hospital. I took the nearest hospital, where I got to know this is what she was going through.

She was already one hand broken, and totally heart broken. A repair, no medicine could do.

CONFESSIONS OF A DEAD

What does it take for you to realize that you are completely screwed. Your life is immensely fucked up and you don't have any other assumption or hope or even the slightest hint of living your life.

Well, she had been stabbed in the chest quite a lot of time, only this time she thought, 'I am suited.' She was all numb and non-reactive.

But there she laid, smiling and chilling out friends for an hour. And then weeping like someone's death drew her close, on someone who slapped right on her face so hard that I just couldn't get out of her bed for two days.

She was numb. It took her, two shots of Vodka all alone in an empty house, puking all alone, she stood up and went to her friend's house as she promised. All drunk. She thought it would reduce the pain she was going through. She thought it would break down that dagger in her chest into molecular level. But no, it penetrated deeper.

Why? But what happened?

She loved a man. She loved a man so much that she could give her all to him. She lied to thousand people except her four friends and was set to travel alone. Alone to the place where she thought she belonged. She was slapped on her face when she asked the guy, "Did you ever love me?"

And he without any hesitation replied, "NO"

She is now dead. All she is living with is a drunk day, the internal bruises on her face which once smiled on just a thought of his. A drinking and driving record at 10pm of the night. A smash with a car, broken heart, broken hand, a huge fight with a friend of hers who has cared for her more than anyone else did in the world, a sudden breakdown in front of hundreds of people in the middle of the road, again a breakdown on her sister's arms and she was still breaking, breaking to million more molecular pieces. Her tears don't seem to stop. She is now not human, not sane, not able to walk, talk or sleep. She covers up her dark circles with dashes of foundation, she is wearing spectacles just to hide her swollen up eyes.

I would like you all to wish that she Rests in Peace in her grave soon.
May she gets an eternal piece, so that she can be sent away with yet a love song....

I was Blindfolded

What was a flower for me?
Something which bloomed every spring.
Something which made the garden looked beautiful.
It was just a mere little thing.
Until came, YOU.
Who opened that piece of cloth resting on my eyes.
And revealed the beauty to me which I missed.
While I was blindfolded.

What was rain for me?
A mere drizzle, a sensation of feeling the cold.
A mere feeling of wetness that covered my skin.
But I had no more feelings deep within.
Until came, YOU.
And made me realize that its just not water.
Its the harmony hugging you and taking you straight in arms.

What was sunlight for me?
An annoying beam of light,
Which made me count every worthless days.
Of living and dragging every bit and pieces,
Of the unsolved puzzle I tried to fix.
But then came YOU
Filling magic in every possible ways.
Making a mere sunlight a way of living more.
An irresistible feeling of water and sun on the shore.


All this while I had been blindfolded.
I believed what I was taught.
I was trapped and also caught.
I was told that I can't fly.
But now I do everyday.
I was blind and numb all the while.
I was astonished to the change.
My first flight as a bird,
My first first inner awakening.
My first feel of the softness that a flower holds.
I had never been here before.
I had never been impacted to the core,
Coz I have been blindfolded all this while.

I Can't Sleep

I can't sleep.
Wait,I think I am thinking too deep.
Of things that I want should happen,
To things I have lost.

My dark circles engulf me.
My body burns to 100 degrees.
Is that fever?
No,
But the panic I have hidden in me.

Screaming to be heard,
But wanting to keep quite.
Want to be loud,
But prefers to be naive.
These are my desires.

Insecurities cloud over me.
More than happiness,
They encircle me like a halo.
Like the divine circle of mayhem.
Confusion what it is called.

A fear of loss.
A fear of fearing the loss.
A fear of not being where I want to be.
A fear of smiling and pretense of another tomorrow.

I am an insomniac. 
I can just open my eyes wide and lay.
To the dismay.
That I can't fly.
I can't wipe the tears of those who need me.
I can't be the one to calm them down.
I can't let them know how I feel.
I can't be the smile succeeding their frown.

All I have is regret.
Regret of consoling everyone,
To not live with regrets.
When I am the sufferer in silence.

Yes, I can't sleep.
Cause, all I have to do is smile.
As I have lost the right,
To weep.

The Death Of A Mockingbird

Just like a free undying spirited bird she flew,
To a land unknown.
She never lived with regrets,
She had an undying cheer all around.
Dare if anyone forgets,
The smile she bore with her.
The aura she held with her.
"Do not live with regrets" she said.
"Look at me you fools and learn" she claimed.
Never did she fell down or she blamed.

But soon she grew up.
Her flight wasn't as exciting anymore.
Her fight against the wind wasn't appealing anymore.
Her talons wore out.
Her beak was tired of telling folklores.
She gave up to scream,
She gave up to shout.

Came situation when she wanted to fly again.
To all those whom she left behind.
Some were already calling her.
Some SHE had to find.

She tried to fly but she couldn't.
She tried to run but she couldn't.
She was desperate,but she already flew.
To the land she already knew.

She wanted to comfort the restless friend she made.
She wanted to lie beside the person she wanted to be with.
She wanted to see the morning with someone.
And close her eyes to the dusk with someone.

But no, her wings wore out.
She couldn't go back to where she started.
She couldn't comfort her waiting lover.
She couldn't be there when he needed.
She couldn't get back to her crying sister,
Who always was there when she needed.
May whatever 
That preceded,
Or was later proceeded.
May she was a mockingbird.
Who was not killed,
But died day by day,
As her fate gave up.
This was the death of a Mockingbird.  
 

THE LOG KYA SOCHENGE SYNDROME!

Well, there are millions of feelings as such which have not been yet defined! Or has been defined but we refuse to reveal it.We think of certain factors life imposes on us. Well, I am not a racist or sexist of any kind, but yes, we Indians are the biggest hypocrites ever! Yes the generation Y is now fast paced and racing against the old practices of, लोग क्या सोचेंगे? I would call this a LOG KYA SOCHENGE ritual. Which is practiced in every home and is an annual practice. It is not that I don't. I think a millions of time before saying FUCK in front of any one. 

So yes, that much of hypocrisy is their in our blood. Well, to be very frank, I have done that too. I have talked behind backs, I have ridiculed a person when I was doing the very same thing what she was doing. I had ate huge pizzas when I wanted to cut down on my fat a little bit.

But now when I come to an age where we are called emotionally and on basis of behavior mature and grown up, I look behind and all I see is hypocrisy! Mine, my parent's, my sibling's, my surroundings, college mates... In short, EVERYONE.

Imagine you fall in love with the most perfect man you could ever have in your life! You want to scream out to the world that HE IS MINE,but Oh! Hey! Wait! लोग क्या सोचेंगे ???

You want to pursue your dream of being a photographer, Oh! Wait a second! घरवाले क्या सोचेंगे ??

You don't want to become a doctor, you want to sizzle the ramp with your catwalk and dress up like princess.. But Hey!!! Yeah you're right! 

You want to get married to the person you love, but yeah the same old cliche!! Before even seeing the guy, Oh My God! Is uttered from your mouth!

Now really, we fight for democracy, but have you ever thought that the main problem behind every problem of India is hypocrisy.

From election campaigns to fake promises, Rahul Gandhi and Modi debate, from Godmen speeches, to Salman Khan saying that he is a virgin. From girl's saying sex is gross to men saying we don't cry!

WE ALL ARE HYPOCRITES!!!!!!!!!!!