There is this scene in Fault in Our Stars, in which the nurse asks her, "How would you rate your pain?" Hazel would always put up her eight fingers when the pain was worth the ten. This particular scene made me realize that pain does demand to be felt, but it's intensity completely depends on us. We are the one to decide whether its a 5 or a 10.
But sometimes there are not pains, but feelings, which you cannot express to any one who is close to you. The best friend who can help, or the boyfriend who stays through every rant, you cannot utter a word to them. Things just get worse. You begin to see that you have lost yourself, with these silence. These feelings that you had hidden in you for years, because you wanted to be strong.
There comes a phase in your life, when you absolutely have no one. You are the one whose so called friends envied you. You moved to so many places that stability is now a luxury. Your upbringing has been so recluse that the hidden feeling just take a toll on you. Expressing becomes a negativity for you and you feel suffocated.
Your best friend's tears are no worthy as you cannot console. You aren't the reason behind your man's smile. You are beaming with so much that the 'Midas Touch' turns its tables, and you aren't the reason behind anybody's happiness. You learn that I Love You isn't a special phrase anymore, or it is a sedated and exclusive expression anymore. You cannot express it coz come on you cannot be orthodox on expression of emotion. You look into the mirror everyday and you do not find the motivation to love yourself. You aren't your own beautiful anymore. You are not a ray of hope anymore.
Everybody is moving so fast in there life that nobody has seconds to spare to the people they love. No not even your parents. Because everybody has their own suffering and you are the only good listener. You look into the mirror and see yourself ageing, you do not look that bubbly girl anymore because somewhere in the crowd you have lost your spark. You have short migraine attacks almost everyday and you see your eye sockets deepening.
Each day you see yourself getting insecure of losing things. Love, friends, and those who have a platonic connection. You are constantly fighting a battle with your insecurities of not losing him. The insecurity of not another friend trying to destroy your career. The insecurity of not being able to express enough to make people understand your pain. The insecurity of not being your best friend's friend. The insecurity of you not being heard enough.
It is a constant battle that you fight for no gain. You do not have the source of opponent. But whosoever is, you want them to stop.
Because you just can't take this anymore. Your hands are now bleeding with the wounds of silence.
SOMEBODY PLEASE STOP!
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